what your go-to mario kart character says about you.
plus, some notes on skin picking
Confession: I play a lot of Mario Kart 8 Deluxe.
I didn’t grow up playing video games. My parents were convinced that video games would rot my brain; and anyway, I had a firmly lower-middle class upbringing, so owning a game console was out of the question. Which, really, was fine with me. I was a nerdy kid and kept myself busy with novels and educational PC games from the Half Price Books clearance section. Until post-grad, the only times I played mainstream video games were when I was dragged along to Best Buy with my dad (which happened more often than you’d think) or if I was at a friend’s house.
The thing is, I don’t even like Mario Kart that much. I prefer story-driven games, especially ones where I don’t have to see racist usernames every time I play online. Also, Mario Kart increases your heart rate by 33% and always makes me think of the pandemic since that’s when I first started playing, desperate for something other than work to pass the time during quarantine.
Why, then, do I have over 700 hours of gameplay?
The answer? Dermatillomania.
Also known as skin picking disorder (SPD), dermatillomania is a form of body focused repetitive behavior (BFRB) where a person compulsively picks their skin to the point of noticeable damage. BFRBs are currently classified as a form of obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD). According to a 2016 study, a majority of people with SPD have a history of childhood abuse or domestic violence. Some theories suggest that childhood abuse can lead to skin picking as a coping mechanism for emotional pain, self-hatred, or self-directed anger.
My SPD manifested when I was a child, undoubtedly because of my abusive parents. I can’t remember the first time I picked at or bit my fingernails, only that my parents tried to stop what they saw as a ‘dirty habit’ by threatening to shove sewing needles under my nails—as if the threat of pain would ever be a stronger motivator than concern, tenderness, or empathy. To no one’s surprise, that didn’t magically cure me of my OCD—it only meant that I hid every needle in our house for years, long after I’m sure my parents even forgot their threat.
SPD is a constant in my life to this day, rearing its head when my nervous system is heightened, but also when I am bored and understimulated. There is admittedly little in my toolkit, figurative and literal, that helps with my SPD in a lasting way. CBT and antidepressants are essential, but catch-alls. Keeping my hands constantly moisturized is ideal, but surprisingly difficult. Physical covers like Band-Aids help, but there are only so many of those I can wear without attracting unwanted attention at work.
More than anything, what helps is keeping my hands occupied when my brain and body would otherwise be idle. Hence, Mario Kart.
Today, when I’m not binge-watching something with my husband or writing deeply unserious listicles for Substack, you can find me in the evenings playing Mario Kart, usually on mute so I can simultaneously listen to an audiobook. It’s not a perfect solution by any means—it’s not a solution at all, really; it’s a bandage on a bullet wound—but I’ll take it if it means I can let the skin of my fingers heal for an hour.
My inadvertent conflation of psychologizing and Mario Kart does not make me good at the game by any means, but it does mean this Totally Legitimate Guide on ‘what your go-to character says about you’ essentially wrote itself. I couldn’t include every character—there are 50! I am not funny enough to hold your attention for that long!—so if I didn’t capture your favorite, a. I apologize, and b. I think that says a lot in and of itself. 😘
Mario:
Your favorite ice cream flavor is vanilla. There’s a fine line between respect for the classics and being boring af, and you are toeing it constantly.
Luigi:
Your older sibling beat you to Mario, didn’t they?
Princess Peach:
Queen of the girls, gays, and theys. You wanted the prettiest option and I respect that.
Daisy/Rosalina:
. . . Your older sibling beat you to Peach, didn’t they?
Donkey Kong:
Congratulations on your MBA!
Bowser:
You unironically own a Tesla Cybertruck. How’s your NFT collection?
Tanooki Mario/Cat Peach:
You are a furry.
Toad:
You were a little too interested in that scene between Cersei and Jaime Lannister. (No, seriously, is Toadette his twin sister or his girlfriend? What does “shroommates” mean?)
Toadette:
You rewatch the 2005 version of Pride & Prejudice on a yearly basis.
Peachette:
Um, first of all, the description of this character is batshit:
Anyway. You love cosplay and spend way too much money on cons. I think you should stay away from headwear and/or psilocybin, though.
Wario/Waluigi:
Libertarian.
Link:
We get it, you’re a gamer. You have a superiority complex because you grew up in the heyday of the Legend of Zelda games and you seriously judge people whose favorite is Tears of the Kingdom.
Yoshi:
Please do everyone in your life a favor and Google “toxic positivity.”
Pauline:
You were a theater kid, weren’t you?
(Regrettably, I must admit that Pauline is my current go-to. Yes, the theater kid allegations are correct.)
The Babies (Baby Mario, Baby Luigi, Baby Peach, Baby Daisy, Baby Rosalina):
Simply unacceptable choices. Please work on healing your inner child.
Kamek:
You exclusively listen to true crime podcasts. Somewhere in a family photo album is a picture of one of your ancestors wearing Klan robes that no one talks about.
Mii:
Respectfully, there are 49 other characters. If you are creating a new one in your likeness, you are a narcissist. (Also, the most common Mii I’ve seen is a facsimile of Donald Trump, so again I say: you are a narcissist.)
Um, this is amazing. And I feel attacked because my friends DID pick Peach first. It was their Gamecube so who was I to protest